ADRIAN : SEX SHOP.

I heard that some kinds of people see their first time visiting a sex shop as a right of passage, like a bar mitzvah only with an obvious lack of Hebrew scripture. For me however, as someone with a certain naivety in the world of sex as a whole, I don't feel that I am one of those kinds of people, maybe I'm just a too open kind of person, thinking back I should of probably shut the door right on the suggestion that it would be “shits and giggles” actually the entire experience made my virginity begin to grow back just slightly. To paint a picture, imagine 6 o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon in winter, not a time, not a day, not a season where the streets are flooding with events and liveliness. But as it was a week after my 18th birthday I decided to go spend my money and refund the stuff I didn't need or want. It isn't that I don't have enough friends, of course I do, I mean I'm no Mr popular but I'm not exactly a social reject, but when the air is cutting and light leaves early people aren't really jumping up to come hunting around town with someone who only has enough money for 3 tops from Primark and with a stretch maybe a McFlurry. I decided to make a change, I was bored with being so predictable and routine, so I skipped past the usual shops and cut straight to the Hipster part of town. Coffee shops with 1950's movie posters, record shops that sell everything but mainstream, off-licences that sell French fruit flavoured cigarettes and psychedelic weed grinders. The only thing I liked that I bought was a Korean movie and a cinnamon and Chinese lemon grass tea. As the cold started to make my teeth chip I got a shot of “YOLO” and decided to buy some Tofu from a sickly scented shop, I sat at a random silent bus stop and opened the paisley patterned wrapping, it was snow white, you know how when you walk outside and the sudden flash of snow burns your eyes and melts your brain? That's what this Tofu did. At my back through the blurred plastic of the bus shelter I heard a quick out of the blue flash of music and then the tap of a softly shutting door, I turned and saw a girl in a trilby walk away from a small pink house with a fluorescent blue sign reading: THE SHACKLE SHACK. Trilby stood next to me, I starred at her, then at the bag she held. I was certain and am still convinced that on the small box printed against the inside of the bag were the words, Anal and Beads. Anal beads. I promise you that my sexual exploits are fairly humdrum but I'm not that much of square, I've had immature Google searches out of purely curious intentions, so yeah I know what Anal beads are. I looked back down at the Tofu in its precious wrapping and made a deal with myself, maybe sub-conscious at the time to stop myself from feeling like a pervo, but now I know and hate that I found an annoying self-developing attitude, Right Adrian, if you eat the whole thing, you've done something new. If not then go and have a gander. Without hesitation I chomped right into the white block, as the nasty hellish taste bombed my taste buds and terrorised my nostrils I realised what I had just done. I've just ate fucking soap! As I was hit with the realisation that my block of hip Vegan Tofu was in actual fact a bar of handmade soap, probably made of the intestines of a Polar Bear and bone marrow of a Bush Baby, I felt my cheeks inflate with a burst of fear and guilty stupidity. I looked over at Trilby to make sure she hadn't caught on and I noticed she was glued to an iPhone engulfed in Animé style stickers, I decided that just in case she was aware of my twatish mistake I had better swallow it, to keep my mind off of the foreign foam struggling its way to my unfortunate bowls I imagined that she was planning the time and place for a Studio Ghibli themed Cosplay, I amused myself by wondering if when she got on the apparently forthcoming bus she would morph back into one of those goofy Raccoons from Pom Poko. It's gone. I dropped the remains of the soap and hurriedly pulled my water from my groovy world cinema bag and gulped more than half of the water down and jumped up, she turned her head to me so fast I felt the whip lash and then looked down at the ground. Just as I was positive she was going to lecture me on global warming because she seemed to care about shit like that, I burped a big acidic bubble, hung my head in shame and zipped past her. Stood outside the house I noticed that the colour pink can be quite sleazy, it was just probably that I knew what was behind the door but I felt like if someone saw me just contemplating going in, I would automatically be put onto the sex pest list. A sign on the door said MUST BE 18 AND OVER TO ENTER. I was relieved and acted as weird as I felt by giving a fake gutted sigh to reassure myself that I really did want to be adventurous, but then I remembered, Your of age now Adrian and sadly, you have I.D. I took my I.D from my Fleetwood Mac wallet and walked in. As soon as I saw the Apache bead certain I knew I should have just left, No one's seen you yet, just leave. But I didn't I pushed the beads aside with a badly acted coolness and stepped over the line. A torture chamber is all I saw, chains, whips and horrible body moulds that I don't feel you need me to describe. “I.D please mate.” Oh Jesus, that blow up doll just spoke to me, she knows I don't belong here! I'm gonna get probed! “I.D please mate.” It wasn't Dolly Dream Maker that spoke to me, it was a real person, a man stood behind a desk, I can't remember what he looked like because I was distracted by a can behind his head, a can with INSTANT MUFF written on it. All I know about him is that he sounded like a football hooligan with a hint of softness in his voice, like he shanks people by day and sleeps with a teddy called Señor Fluffington by night. I showed my I.D and turned around, DVD's, uniforms, tools, Rabbits? Oh no, rampant Rabbits, nice. No! some kind of sadistic blow job machine which looks like a hoover. Oh, wait, no that is a hoover. You should leave now Adrian, just go walk out. Shit he's starring at you, he knows you haven't got a fucking clue what's happening. GO! I was free. 3 minutes and I left, disappointing hey? Well I don't care because 3 minutes was enough for me to feel penetrated and that isn't worth anything. Trilby was gone and I felt refreshed, like walking out of that door was a shower, the sharp slap of cold air dominated the dirt and essentially repaired my violated soul. 40 minutes later and the fragments of naughty nurse outfits and nipple clamps still stained to my eye lids every time I blinked and I was in haven, at home. Appreciation washed over my shoulders as I shrugged my coat off. No one's home, just have a long boiling bath and watch a film. Not Alien though, anything but Alien. As I walked towards my bathroom I saw something through the crack of my Brother's bedroom door, something recently embedded into my cranium. I wouldn't usually do this but I needed to chill myself out, so I prepared to snoop and pushed his door open. What did I get? A flashback, Trilby's bag was a light yellow with faint white stripes with a small square box seemingly violet with the title Anal beads, what I saw on my brother's bed was a light yellow bag with faint white stripes. Phew, there's nothing in it. Just then, my luck fell through and I heard the click of the bathroom door's bolt, out comes comes my brother and none other than a person with the style of hat that will forever haunt my every dream, day dream and blink... Trilby, holding a small square box, definitely violet with the title Anal beads. “Adrian, this is Linda.” Fuck right off!